Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Who did Billy Mays play for?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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