i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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