But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
