I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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