i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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