I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Can you bring me the toilet please
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
