it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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