Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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