Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
