I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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