I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
