According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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