please come you make the beer taste better
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
