Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Randomize
