my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
