Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
