I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
