The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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