How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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