What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
