it wasn't lemon gatorade
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
