Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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