I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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