Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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