i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
