I faked an abortion last night.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
