i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
