I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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