All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
