Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
