My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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