He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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