Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
