She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
