She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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