I feel like I'm in dance class right now
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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