He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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