Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
