I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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