I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Bring me that man meat
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
