I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
