no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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