yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The best revenge is premature balding
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
