all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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