Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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