I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
