We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
