I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
