So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
