have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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