he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
