so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
